My life is shit.
Let me develop my idea a little further and explain my problem:
Two months ago I was dating this guy that I REALLY liked and he really liked me, well at least I thought he really liked me. Everything was going great: no real ups no downs just normal and smooth. But things started getting bad when I came home from my grandparents where I just spent christmas. I was coming home mainly to see him at least once, otherwise I know I could of convinced my dad to go to Italy or Spain or something for New Years. But I just was desperate to see him. I already knew that he was spending New Years at his and my best friend's house out in the country which I was totally fine with because I know my Best Friend really cared for our relationship and he wouldn't let him do anything stupid. He laws leaving three days after I got back. Three WHOLE days and he kept rescheduling at the last minute until finally we didn't get to see each other before he left. Now I had to wait one whole week to see him again when school started. And when school started that's when things got really fucked up. One week later I broke up with him because he was being a total dick with me and leading all the other girls on. He refused to kiss me in front of this girl who is insanely jealous of me for no reason and he knew she'd do anything to break us up. So when we were hanging out and he was linking arms with her and I was all alone on the other side, I just couldn't take it anymore. I broke up with him. It was an impulse, and that weekend I regretted it immensely. But little did I know that he was waisting no time. Not even a week after our breakup he starts dating his supposed "best friend" who is also one of my close friends. No word from her until today, when she sends me this huge text that she was sorry and that she was such a bitch and that she couldn't even look at me. All this because monday I told my friend that I was sick that there was a fight and blablabla. I only did this to go to my two friends birthday party. but since she's now dating my ex-boyfriend she says it'll be too weird. Meanwhile my best friend gets invited (female best friend not the guy who has the country house), we are inseparable and everybody knows that. This is the first party where she'll go without me. At first I was totally pissed, but then she said she'll only go there for two hours just so she can say she was there.
Great! Now friday when my ex-boyfriend and my friend will be locking lips i'll probably be in PJs, on my couch, eating a pot of ice cream and watching American Pie to try and make myself feel better.
I'm just a fucked up girl living in a fucked up life in a fucked up world. Welcome to where being me is -*Never Enough*-
Do you know what it's like when it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside, to try to kill the pain on the inside.
That's how I feel when I just re read this whole story I was about to post I realized how light hearted it is. When that doesn't reflect what I feel at all. I fool everyone around me. I play the charade so well that i'm even fooling myself. This may be the shortest part of my blog post but it's the one that took the longest to write because of all the pauses due to my blurry eyes when I hold that one tear in that's begging to come out. The trembling hands. And the writing and re writing and re re writing not being able to put my thoughts to words. I feel pathetic, like I can't even trust my thoughts anymore, like my hands are typing all by themselves. Anyways. Now, not only do you know the story, but you now know the me that's buried deep deep underneath the whole "Imma teenager so I don't give a shit about anything or anyone" act.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a whole pot of Cookie Dough waiting for me in the freezer.
